What Lies Within

I’m here and you all will always be a big part of me. Don’t think that I already have forgotten about you. Walang papalit sa lahat ng ’samahan’ nating ‘un. I’m struggling right now, I unwind and I try to have some fun kapag my oras. And believe me, I’m loving my being single and working my butt off to earn my own money. Okay lang na mahirap just as long as Justine’s around me. And at the same time, I’m all inspired by many things, my world goes round and round. Things will get better for you and me. My plight and yours can be different, could be…But we have ways on how to get thru it, ‘di ba? America’s not easy, I’m saying this with all honesty. I just thought It was, back when I was still there. It was good when I was still attached, life was super better. But now that I’m back to being a single mom, It’s super mahirap financially but other than this–everything’s great! Glad I still have my job. I am divorced a month ago. It was a disaster, we were so close of getting back together, I guess It wasn’t really meant to be. Some of you knows me well, I nurture pain for awhile, but after a certain period of time, I heal myself eventually and I never dwell on the past. I let go. But It’s good to remember the good times from time to time and then I just smile about it or maybe laugh. I’m doing well actually.  I just need more time to settle up and put things in order. When the time comes, I will get back to you and we’ll catch up on things. Like what I’ve said, I am HERE. I’m too occupied with so much stuff right now and will always be…but I am still YOUR FRIEND.

Damn! Bad choices! Bad bad choices! Screw this! Right now, all’s f&;”ked up!  Everything’s just not the way I want it to be. Life’s sometimes so hard to understand. I may look like I’m always having fun, always got that same smile, yet I’ve got to plea!!! What to do…what to do??? I’m just trying so hard to be strong and calm. Trying so hard to deal with it, move on and let it go. Somehow, in some way, I have to concede, I’ve fallen and I’ve fallen deep. Now it’s striking back so hard and I have to be serene, quiet and just take it slowly one at a time. I’m really hurting bad inside. All I can do is heal myself, don’t look back and I’ve got to have the impudence to break in reality…but how do I do this? I’m the one going thru this and I’m the only one who can help myself out. Again, how? Weakness running thru me, It’s pretty alarming! I can feel me shaking, seriously! I’m so crushed, ripped and overly rejected. My mind’s sore! I’m nervous and I just don’t know what to do with facing it.

I think I gotta find me something to do. Something that would help divert my disturbed sanity to reason out soundly. I’m glad I have her around me, she fills me up, she gives me enough strength and enough reason to live. Without her, I don’t know how I can keep up with all these. I wish that ‘one day’ will soon come…I really hope so.

I’m sitting here at the office, trying to be more boring! I’m thinking i wanna go back to Philippines in July. It’d be fun! My cousin’s gonna get married on July 5, but i doubt it if we are going to make it before the big day. I’m still not sure, i’m (we’re going thru some changes still). Rough, creepy, scary, challenging, teary changes! I hope i get past it. I’m tired, ya know? I just wanna be happy and carefree! But i guess, it’s not gonna be that easy… And yes, I’m workin’ on it, yet as for myself, why does it always have to be one way or another (if you know what i mean, don’t wanna explain further)??? All I can say is…I guess I wasn’t that good enough!

So hard to be up here on a stage where you gotta make a big decision that’s gonna have something to do with how you wanna spend the rest of your life. You’re here and struggling. You thought life’s gonna be that easy…apparently, it’s not! You think you know now what path exactly you have to go through…You just probably don’t know how to handle it, rather concede it. Confused, weird and perhaps, you guess, you’re just such a big, whiny loser!

You have spent years of your life making big mistakes everytime. You paid and suffered for those defective judgments (if you will) in the past, and unfortunately, until now, you still do. You’re doing something wrong, you know you do! But, how do you correct those mistakes when these so called ‘carelessness’ makes you happy? Makes you the person that you are now? What is there to do to have that ‘peace of mind’? How do you know if you’re on the right track? How would you know if you truly are doing the right thing? As simple as it may seem…still, it is NOT! Sometimes, people would give you the ‘right’ advice, they would try to help out and help you think outside the box…This thing is good because somebody is trying to make you see what you’re overlooking. But the thing is, ‘they’ are not in your shoe to try to make you do this and that….and tell you so and so, isn’t it? Sure it helps…but, they’ve never been in where and what you’ve been through. You may have similar experiences–yes, but there will always be a difference that they can never ever identify and relate to. That’s why we say "it’s easy for you to say" to that person trying to know how you’re holding up, right? On the other hand, it may be hard to understand but, we gotta learn from the mistakes of others as well. Life is too short to go through all those yourself. The question now is ‘how’ when you are the person involve in the story…the question is that.

From Now On…
     -I will be strong and will stop beating up or being hard on myself.
     -I will change the ways that i do and basically those ways that I HATE! Come to think of it… why do i do it anyway if i hated it? Hello Donna? What’s up?
     -I will continue loving life as it is and luckily, i still remember where i left it off. Yey me!
     -I will enjoy every single breath that i breathe and will not care what others may think of me.
     -I will be tougher as ever and will avoid being a puss or sensitive type of girlie re: everything…and everyone as well (i will try haha!)
     -I will ignore the pain of life and just go with the flow.
     -I won’t rely my being happy emotionally to anybody or anything except for my baby love.
     -I will forget my being ‘me’ who used to be empathetic, loving and sweet except, of course, to few selected people and family lol!
     -No more hearts involved. No more games. I will try my best not to be serious, however, depending on what plight it is going to be.
     -I will make more friends, more and more, but avoid the bad, really bad ones (’cause i’m already a bad girl–I KNOW!!! lol)
     -I will not prove myself to anybody who i really am and let ‘em be the ones who’ll put forth effort to get to know me, if they’d like to, first of all (no pressure lol)…Let me put it this way, you care, i care! You don’t? Who cares? Simple!
     -I will make sure though that i will have fun, best fun ever life has to offer!

     -I will make sure I won’t be that ‘KJ’ person everybody hates to be with. Thus, showing off my silly side to give party a life (not beyond the wall though..if you know what I mean).
     -I will enjoy life, sing it, dance it…LOVE IT!

     -Lastly, I will try to do all these!!! lol..Seriously though!

It’s baby’s 7th birthday! No party, but we’re gonna celebrate it somewhere, somehow today. I bought her some gifts and took her out yesterday, it was fun! And today, maybe we’ll try to do what she wants to do. She’s expecting for a birthday party, yet it’s not possible since things weren’t smooth lately, too complicated to explain and i didn’t have enough time to prepare for it. Not that i didn’t make the time, i actually planned something for her birthday, but, a lot happened lately and it was inevitable ( f%4&! this!). So, anyhow, It’s passed 8 in the morning…same old same old. Hope you guys have a wonderful and safe New Year! Let’s hope for the best in the year(s) to come!!! Ciao!

It’s been 2 years ago since i had been partying, loving the night life and everything! I love California, I love everybody around here, parang pinas din.. I get to talk more a lot with good friends, and i can’t get bored somehow…However, it’s in a way complicated but i’m loving the complication, better yet–call it the ‘conflict’ (that is lol!). Apparently, I miss home, i miss the farm, i miss all the people there, too! The place’s tranquility and relaxation makes me want to go back home.
Anyways, i had so much fun with Tita Arlyn, she’s yet my closest friend ever! She knew me way beyond me…but never judged me. I like the way i’m being understood by a relative, a friend. I was very open to her, i have few secrets i’ve never told anybody (maybe a few) but her. It was way too deep, same goes my appreciation. Thus, the bonding.
On the other hand, I don’t know yet how am i going to handle Justine’s overcoming her getting used to being around with her cousins, because i’m positive, she’ll be shedding tears for the next 3 or 5 days, missing ‘em cousins and that out of boredom state of mind lol because you know- she’s stuffed with so much entertainment ’round here.
We’ll be leaving early Thursday morning.
Christmas is coming, the spirit’s everywhere…Another year over as well as my stay here…well, is it over? Moving on…

Thanksgiving… we’ll be spending thanksgiving in CA, with my relatives. It’s been 2 years since we’ve been there last. I’m really looking forward to it…shopping, clubs, zoo. Justine and I are sooo excited! We’ll be leaving next week and be staying there for like 2 weeks. I need a get-away anyways. We are going to have some fun, fun,  fun!

Anyways, 2 weeks ago, i just quit my job. It didn’t work well for me. One of my officemate was just rude and i just can’t work with her everyday for the rest of my life, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Maybe it has something to do with my color? I don’t think so or maybe she’s insecure? ha-ha! Anyways, I enjoyed working with the people there, they were so kind  and accommodating except with that one little cute smartie-pants girl! She’s nice but unfortunately, not to me. Well, moving on, i plan to go back to school anyways. So, i think consequently, this happened for a reason. I’d like to take up a Nursing course this coming January ‘08 for 3 years, i think it’ll help me out a lot with regards to my vocabulary, good career in the future and well compensated job. I’ve some experiences in a hospital and i thought i enjoyed it a lot. I like the toxic atmosphere, ER scenes, med terminologies and the likes! Besides, Justine and I, we’ll have probably the same schedules where she and i can meet at home at almost the same time, and that she can’t be by herself at home, alone. She said she likes it and she’s okay with it, but for a 6 year old girl? Uh, it just worries me so.

So back to being at home, by myself, during the day, most of the time, weekdays…I think it’s fun for now! I enjoy spending all my time just watching TV, sleeping and just warming up the couch–the besssst! ha-ha! All i do is a do-over again routine…chores, web-friendster-myspace, shower, play, pictures and all that you can imagine! I’m not much into phone calls, probably that’s why nobody’s calling me ha-ha! I like to chat, talk but not crazy about staying on phone for like hours and hours (well, i used to). I like the real thing, you know. I like hanging out, going out, coffee conversation, exploring nature, parties, sing-along, jokes, fairgrounds (because I enioy it much especially when with my daughter), and maybe put a little alcohol with it—that’s what i call ‘PARTAY’! You know we all need to have a little time to wind up, loosen up and get away with a flat and serious lime of life we all live with everyday…However, to me, it’s important not to stay out of line. Being cool is okay, but to go beyond it is sooo uncool (well, i used to anyway ha-ha!)..if you know what i mean.

Have a great day everyone! Ciao!

Not really a lovely day today (for me)…i’m quite getting confused. Yesterday, i have received a good news. The company i applied for gave me a call back and informed me that i was hired. It’s really exciting yet i’m really a bit nervous and confused. I wasn’t expecting a call from them—at all! Actually, i have less half a mind getting me a job since i spoke with the counselor of student services. Everything changed since I have learned about what’s concerning my going back to college. I would certainly like to go to school again and pursue a ‘Nursing Career’. I already have a Bachelor’s degree in Pinas so i was told it’s really a PLUS (because some or most of what i’ve already taken may or hopefully be credited or whatever, it’s still a plus)! And then, this ‘call’ happened. What a girl to do? I’d like to get the job…that would be nice, isn’t it? But after getting a degree in Nursing….that would be awesome! I can’t do both at the same time, schooling will require most of my time that equals the time i should be spending at work..so i really have to choose…clinical or cubicle?

I am simply a comic, very open, unreserved and uproarious Donnabelle when with the right crowd. But hey! I am not friendly, nor I’ve been sociable, I’m not at all responsive, nor have been receptive. However, I’d like to take a crack at and see if somebody would take a look at me. I am humane enough to be benevolent, good enough as an individual and in fact–can be the most trusted stranger you can ever wanna talk to…yet, I’d like life to be reasonable. More often than not, I see myself as the one who always seeks comradeship which now contradicts my earlier statement. Let me explain it further. I’ve deep despondency that only my mentality understands…Sometimes, I find it so hard to give pleasure to people like i feel the need to work very hard on something for them just to earn a smile and yet, I realize in this world of certainty … I DON’T REALLY EVEN NEED that sh*t because nobody knows how to APPRECIATE. Good thing is… I have my pride. Here’s more…It hurts to realize that people only uses people. It hurts to know that they need you around only when you are a necessity. It hurts to know that they remember you only when you remember them, they just holler at you when you holler back at them… It huuuuurts to know that they will ignore you just because THEY CAN isn’t it? Life… yeah riiiiight! So people, i’ll always be in the in the MIDDLE. I’m nowhere on neither sides. I play as fair-minded. To put it in detail, you ignore–I ignore, you care—I care, you don’t? I won’t!